Mother’s Day.

Here it is again, Mother’s Day. The day we’re to be thankful and happy we were hatched. I’m mostly happy. I hate how this day makes me feel. A little salt. A huge sting. Thanks Hallmark. How would you like some sand in your eye?!?! Fuckers. It pains me to be away from my daughter on this day. Although, I must admit, it was nice that I received an sms from her in which she wished me a happy mother’s day and said she loves me and misses me. I replied that I loved her and miss her and sent her big hugs too. It sucks ass. I really miss my munchkin much more than I let on.

I stop to think of my mothers. I think of my step-mom. I should call her. She did her best as she saw fit with raising me and I do think that I have turned out alright thanks to all her efforts. I think of my bio-mom. I could email her, but most likely wouldn’t get much of a response. They are both a little detached from me and I sure don’t have the type of close relationship with either of them. I am distanced from each of them for my own reasons as well as their own. I see other women interact with their mothers and realize how distant I am in my relationships with my mothers. I just don’t feel like I connect with them. I don’t often feel connected to anyone. I do feel that I would do any such required family duty without flinching, ok maybe a little flinching and some chemical enhancements. I just do not have the motivation to go beyond the basic requirements. I just don’t feel strongly about it. I think it’s a defense mechanism that I have developed over the years to help me deal with the constant disappointment of overlooked and unmet needs. But no time for Freud’s couch now…

I hurt. I ache. I am sad. I just keep reminding myself that she is a source of strength for me. My wonderful little burning fire.

~H

Annoy me.

Ugh. Sometimes I really just feel so fucking annoyed with my life. Maybe I’m just annoyed with myself. Mostly I think I’m annoyed with situations. Especially those situations which I apparently have no real control over. Ok, so what do we ever really have control over?? But THAT is besides the point. What was my point? Oh yeah, that I’m incredibly annoyed. But why on earth am I so fucking annoyed? Mostly because I haven’t gotten my way. At least I’m not thrashing about on the floor in a gynormous temper tantrum. Maybe that would help me feel better. I don’t fucking know. I want to scream. I want to smash stuff. Flying out of control. It’s a full on tantrum. *sighs* I tell myself to just suck it up and just deal. Maybe one day I’ll be successful at making myself do that which I do not want to do. Sometimes the what I want interferes with what I must.

And today was a good day, not the best of Thursday’s but certainly mediocre. I rid my room of mutant dust bunnies, drove ~110 miles, danced, typed, responded to quizzing. Still no real progress made on some fronts. I think I can… I think I can… Maybe I should channel Yoda…. Hmmm, what would Deepak say?

~H

Hmmm. Lips.

Here’s a great song. It makes me stop and think. Hmmmm. Lips of an angel. Enjoy the happy thoughts that flow.

~H

If I can’t laugh….

Laughing. It’s healthy. It’s one of my favorite things. I laugh lots, not so much here lately, but in general, I really do love to laugh out LOUD! Sometimes a good hard laugh is what a soul needs.

So, some laughs….

I came across these comics and somehow they fit my mood.

What no grapefruit spoon?!?! But seriously, it really is THAT painful. Ugh. “it” being lots of things. maybe if i sit down long enough, no wait that’s the problem. not enough moving. interesting…

Response to “What is the meaning of life?”

Google is one of the most useful things. You know you want to go Google it. Do it. I did. teehee.

Results 1 - 10 of about 21,200,000 for what is the meaning of life. (0.06 seconds)

My other favorite, Wikipedia, was the first one listed. Amazing the things you can find online. Lots of people have put thought into what they believe the meaning of life to be. I have no fucking clue. Every time I think I come close to some sort of clarity, in rolls the fog. Deepak said the answers are in me. Somewhere inside, bouncing around in all that space between the molecules, the answer lies.

~H

Pondering Importance.

Among both men and women, one in four agrees with the statement “It’s extremely important that my partner thinks I’m great in bed. It affects my confidence in the rest of my life.”

It’s an interesting point to ponder. There is a difference between thinking and knowing what your partner thinks.

These are important conversations to have, especially if you want to have a relationship that grows and develops with you both.

Conversations are good. I know I should have a few more of them. Lots of noise gets in the way. Mostly the noise in my head. It’s difficult to realize and fully register the movement around me. Sometimes it is so loud I can’t hear anything else. Moments of quiet and calm happen but usually when I’m on a mission. The goal set, it’s a closed task just on a slightly different level. There’s a rhythm set into that lets me follow along. Funny, it reminds me of something a dear friend says about needing a paw to the foot to get started. Some sort of catalyst maybe?

Talk about a tangent….

~H

feelings, at least a close approximation of some.

there’s times like this when i feel like hell.

balled up on the floor this morning crying my eyes out. wanting to die. wanting to cease to exist. feeling tired. feeling heavy. not laughing at something funny. not singing along to a favorite song. not caring about eating. feeling on the verge of tears, knowing that at any moment the crying erupts. it is fucking brain chemistry. little fucking molecules strung together to create the little neurotransmitters that make you feel happy. if i follow deepak’s point of view, i should be able to make those molecules make me feel better. I have to own them and realize that the emptiness i feel inside is real. but i think i’m supposed to focus on making the molecules get together in the proper format. 5-HT. DA. it might work if i look up the molecular structure, then i would have something to visualize. examples help.

can someone please direct me to the motivation center in my brain? I swear i learned about it somewhere along the way. Was it in Psychology of Learning? probably. Maybe i need to find my drive center. it might need a new filter. might be clogged with resin. who knows. stopped with wax perhaps?

and just for the record. i am happy with the way things are in my life, even with my depression and my fucked up thought processes. i still realize the wonderfulness of it all, and am grateful to have all that i do. that’s the part that keeps me alive, pushing to the next day.

it is tough to realize that i need to have a breakdown in order to move forward, but this is the most inopportune of times. i want to have my breakdown. Grad school doesn’t allow for that. if i quit now, i know it would be one thing that i’d truly regret. knowing that, i keep pushing forward even while at the moment i seem to have lost hope. Funny, huh, the thought of losing myself. Can i be lost? Can i get lost? what the hell am i supposed to do? i’m tired of the cognitive over-ride. why does everything have to be a fucking chore? the Cognitive over-ride tells me that this is a little phase, one of many that will pass if only given enough time. but knowing that, doesn’t change how i feel.

i think this turn for the dumps was brought on by the news of success from some classmates. while i’m happy for them, i’m sad for me which is totally fucked up, but who’s to know how one will react to news. it’s a little bit of a slap in the face. a stinging reminder. a little salt in the paper cut that is school. the little reminder that if i had been able to keep it together last year, i too would be in that spot. but i didn’t keep it together. and so i’m in the spot i was in a year ago, wondering how the hell i’m going to keep it together. i must not have worked hard enough. Deepak said i should participate. Maybe i’m not getting full credit for participation. Think about it. When am I ever fully participating in anything? makes me feel like an asshole. i shouldn’t beat up on myself. or at least if i am going to beat myself, it should have some sort of positive outcome (wondering if i could write an acceptable outcome statement without looking at the mother-fucking manual).

Can someone send me a jar of “get the fuck over it” pills? i’d be grateful.

so yeah, a little depressed. like that wasn’t obvious. a whole month since my last post, yeah, motivation to do anything has been scarce. this too shall pass…. knowing that really helps, even if i’m down.

meh.

~H

2/20 & Dead Rat & Lunar Eclipse.

What a day!

2-20-08 such a nice number.

On the way to school, I happened to catch the most interestingly funny events. Well, at least I was cracking up. I was driving up Union Ave. which is two lanes in each direction with a turning lane. As I’m driving in the left lane I notice a rodent, I’m guessing a rat, dashing across the street. I watch as it crosses the center lane and runs head first into the tires of an SUV. I see it’s head is squished and the limbs are flailing about, the tail is flopping back and forth. I swerve around as to not dirty my freshly washed car. (Thank you Sheepy!) In my rear-view mirror I watch as the car behind me flattens the rodent into a pancake. Squish! Ha Ha!

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t laugh, but I did. It was just another great example of how life works. Think about it… this rodent was just trying to make its way across the street. Why? Who knows? To find a tasty treat? To its nest of pups? But I think it is safe to say that the rodent wasn’t trying to get squished. That makes me wonder if a rodent could be suicidal. But that’s a WHOLE other post. So, back to the rodent getting squished. It serves as a reminder that one day you can be running along, minding your business, then POW, an SUV takes you out. And that follows my frequent comment regarding making the most of the moment you are in, because you never know when you’ll get hit by a bus. Living in the now and appreciating all that you have in this moment, because happiness is now.

As I’m leaving school for the day, I happened to look up and notice the moon. It was an eclipse. One of the most beautiful sights to behold, watching the shadow of the earth slowly creep across the face of the moon. Just fucking beautiful! I sat in my car for a while watching the shadow creep. I was moved. In that moment I had this feeling of perfect balance. I thought about it for a bit, and realized that it indeed was a moment of balance. The sun, the earth, and the moon were coming into that perfect alignment for the total eclipse. I feel that me being an earth sign has some play into that wonderful feeling I have been experiencing. Just a perfect balance. I feel so damn good right now. I am happy.

It’s been difficult at times, hell, it’s difficult most days. It is chunks of time when I feel like this that make me fully appreciate the wonderfulness in my life. Seeing the rodent squished reminds me that we should not take things in our lives for granted. It’s important to savor those moments in life. Special tenderness. Extra hugs. Doing something nice for someone, just because. Revel in the warm fuzzies that you hide inside. I’m smiling from the inside-out.

Someone remind me of this when I’m having one of those “What is the fucking point of my fucking existence?!?!” moments.

~H

Being Sick.

Let’s see, today is Monday. I’ve been sick for the past few days. I went in to see the doctor today and got to experience a flu test. I had no real idea of how they would do it, but WOW, I know how they do it now, at least part of it. It’s evil! The nurse took this cotton swab and stuck it clear up my left nostril in an attempt to reach my brain. I must say that it is seriously wrong to have a q-tip shoved that far up your nose. It made my eyes water. I don’t think I have ever had anything stuck in my nose like that. I get to add it to my list of unpleasant medical procedures endured. But the good news is that I don’t have the flu. YAY! But I do have some sort of upper respiratory infection caused by some virus. That means that I get to drink lots of fluids and stay in bed.

On the up side, being home sick has allowed me to watch season one of Dexter. Yes, I have seen it before, but streaming NetFlix ROCKS!

I’m off to find myself some chicken noodle soup. Apparently chicken noodle soup ONLY tastes right when I have a cold. It’s delirious. I mean delicious. I might be delirious. Funny how that happens. Can I just say fevers are fun?!

~H

New theme song.

Flo Rida feating T-Pain -Low- Official Music Video

I first heard this song a few months ago. It’s quite infectious. I frequently have it re-playing in my head. The song makes me happy and really does put me in a great mood. It makes me want to go out and get my groove on with the girls. But getting the girls to dance is a challenge. They don’t dance much, but they do enjoy the tunes. I have to thank Swing for introducing it to me.

So, I hope you enjoy the tune and that it too gets stuck in your head, so that as you’re driving around or out shopping, you too will have “… apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur…” playing in your head. Just think, I might be out somewhere shaking my bottom!

Welcome to my world. Muahahaha!

~H

My Thesis.

On January 14, 2008.

Committee meeting.

Thesis defense. (20 minutes of grilling)

The signature.

I really can see the light at the end of the tunnel. A few more hours of work, and it will be done!

I feel really good about it too. Being here helps me appreciate the struggle, mostly because its almost done! YAY!

~H